Anxiety Provocation

Hi all! Happy Hump-day!

Last week and the upcoming next few weeks will be met with anxiety. So let’s start with last week. Last week I had two photoshoots, an appointment with the NPO, an appointment with the ministry, and a tattoo session. So even prior to the actual events there was a lot of anxiety. The location of the first photoshoot and bringing my gear there, not knowing what the conditions would be like (lighting, weather, etc.), meeting new people and interacting with them. Then there was the whole preparation process of ensuring all previous photos were backed up and ready to go so that a new batch of photos could be taken, ensuring all my memory cards were freed up with ample capacity to take photos, ensuring I packed all the right equipment. All these factors were overwhelming me and then I looked at the calendar and dreaded it some more. Then on the day of, I arrived early and everything went smoothly. Then after the shoot I went home and did backups of the photos and loaded them onto my laptop. As I had not eaten anything all day, I decided to go to Starbucks and do my post there. But first I had to go to two banks to get forms filled out in preparation for the next day’s appointment with the ministry. So after going to the banks, I finally headed out to Starbucks and sat there for several hours drinking a venti black Pike Place; still nothing eaten. When I’m working and fully engaged in work, I tend to forget the necessities of life. Several hours later I had about filtered and edited about 100-ish photos out of 900-ish photos I took that day. Next day delivery.

So moving along to the next day, I woke up bright and early and sat about doing nothing much, then I got ready and headed to the ministry office to hand in my documents. Then one thing led to another and I find out that my case has been hanging about in limbo with no caseworker assigned to it and that if it wasn’t me constantly hounding them about the status the file would have been closed. That’s the government for you. So I finally get a clearer picture of what the process is and how it should be done after talking with the worker who then set up another appointment with me for this week. He also gave me some more paperwork to fill out, so now I have a folder full of papers to hand in to the worker who SHOULD BE looking after my case and hopefully expediting it. It was just really upsetting for me because I was never actually moved along the production line and was always at square one technically, even though I had been approved of the status because no one had been looking at my files. After dealing with them, I went back home to mull over my situation and my luck and wondered why I always get dealt such bad hands. Anyway, after mulling on it some more, I decided to get ready for my next appointment. Went over to the Archdiocese Center and had prepared about 100-ish photos for them to pick out 50; they ended up taking 110 photos. I was fine with that. If they like what they see, then it’s alright by me. As long as my clients are happy, I’m happy. Then going home, I had to charge all my camera equipment, give them a good wipe down and cleaning for the next photoshoot on Saturday as I wouldn’t have time on Friday.

Friday morning I woke up at 0500 and got ready to leave the house to the ferry terminal. I was once again getting another tattoo done and I urgently needed to catch the ferry to make my appointment. I got there with ample time to spare and waited a while and got on the ferry. The ride was uneventful with the exception that the communications employee asked for an invoice of a higher value than what was agreed upon. I happily obliged and sent her the invoice to look over and check for any mistakes as I was still half asleep whilst on the ferry. Along the journey from the mainland to the island, I lost cellular signal and so I could not communicate with her until I got onto shore again. It was while I was in session getting my tattoo done that I received her message of the changes she wanted to implement; nothing major just some spelling errors. I couldn’t do it from my phone, so I gave her the thumbs up to make the changes and send it off for approval. With that out of the way, the only thing I had to worry about was the next day’s photoshoot. It was a long and far journey from where I live and as much as I would have liked to scout out the area, it would have been a waste of petrol. Anyway, the journey back from the island to the mainland after the tattoo was done was surprisingly good. I didn’t miss a single bus or train or ferry. Just as I arrived they were all there waiting for me. A slight change in luck, and that makes me suspicious of the situation.

Now come Saturday, once again I woke up early to deal with some stuff on my computers, turns out I have absolutely no more space on my main photos hard drive! This caused me to panic a little but I have several backups at all times so I knew I the newer data was still safe and the older data was on the server and backed up to a remote server. So all was well, but I still needed to get two hard drives fast and quick or else I’d be in trouble. However, not so quick because I still have my debts to pay off. I have to first prioritize what I need first and then look at when to get them. Sure I have money coming in but it’s not a lot of money and it’s not a steady stream, so I have to be careful or else I go back into debt again and pay ridiculous amounts of interest. So after discovering that issue, I next started to pack up and get ready for the photoshoot, then my cousin messages me and asks me last minute if I could do a photoshoot for her products and I tried to fit the two photoshoots in but I just couldn’t do it. By the time I got to her place and set up, I’d have to take down and pack up and leave. So I hesitantly let that one go. Sad face. Then I slipped into bed for a quick nap and woke up and realized I had to leave the house and didn’t have time to iron the white shirt and dress properly, so I quickly threw on some stuff and hoped no one would take notice of how poorly I manage my time. I got to the location an hour and a half early just as planned and quickly scouted the area outside and inside. Took mental notes of the lighting and the adjustments I would have to make and then stood around for the Archbishop to arrive and celebrate anticipatory Mass. What I was not aware of, was that there was First Holy Communion as well as Confirmation. So I had to adjust and adapt accordingly. Unfortunately I missed a few shots simply due to the fact that people are doing what they’re doing and they get in the way of a shot and I can’t just scream “GTFO my shot!” in church. It’s just the nature of things so I let it go. Overall, it was an interesting experience. I’m not sure how well received this batch of photos will be received.

Now come Sunday, I woke up particularly early once again and started to process my photos from Saturday’s shoot. I had already backed up everything and so I was ready for post. After working for a while, my mom comes in and asks if I’m ready and I’m just confused. And she tells me we have to go to the cemetery today. And then it clicked in my head. I had completely forgotten about it. So again I quickly pack my things and throw on some clothes and get ready. On the car ride there, I booted up the laptop and started working on the photos during the ride. I was about half done by the time we got there. Then after being there and paying our respects to our ancestors, we left and on the car ride back and at the restaurant I finished up editing the remainder of the photos and that was it.

Now comes this week. Monday, I hand in about 100 or so photos for the team to pick out 30 photos from. And then after that, I send an invoice to them. Then tomorrow, I have the aforementioned appointment at the ministry office and I can’t be late for that. I don’t want to have to reschedule and waste more time. Time is money! So I have to remember to pack and bring all the documents and paperwork required and get there early. Then I have another appointment on Thursday and I have to bring some things with me and fill out some paperwork. Then Saturday I have bloodwork that needs to be done. The week after that I have two doctor’s appointments back to back and I have to book it from one place to another then book it to the airport to pick up my cousin. The next day I have a 24 hour holter monitor and I have to get that done then book it to yoga. Hopefully, if I show up early enough at the lab they can fit me in for the holter monitor hook up quickly and all will be fine and I’ll have enough time to make it to yoga. Then after all that is done and over with I can finally relax a bit and work on my to-do list.

So that’s the anxiety provocation situation I’m in. The smallest sign of stress becomes a huge deal to me. It may be easy to shrug off for some people, but it’s a huge deal for me and I’m working on going through it step by step and trying to take breaths in between things. It sucks that I’m prone to the slightest provocation of stress and it frustrates me to no end and that only makes the situation worse but here I am, still standing (actually, I’m sitting down right now).

See you all next week!

Hope you all have a great WTF rest of the week!

Photoshoot Week

This week is photoshoot week for me. I’ve got a couple of photoshoots lined up and I’m nervous as heck. Wracking my brain trying to think of interesting perspectives and trying to figure out what equipment to bring as they’re located in somewhat sketchy areas. So the less I bring the better, but I have to bring my A game with me as well. I have to prepare all my camera gear and not miss anything. I’ve literally been having nightmares over this, for the past few weeks. Batteries dying out on me; not having enough storage space on my cards and all these worst case scenarios. I haven’t had a good night’s rest despite all my sedatives. And you know that’s not a good thing especially with the amount of sedatives I take. I have my dates all messed up and I keep freaking out thinking it’s the next day and “Oh shit! I forgot something!” It’s really nerve wracking. Clearly, I don’t handle responsibility, stress, the unknown, and work well. I have red dots on my calendar app indicating what prep work I have to do and what is going on the day of. After this blog post I’m going to start prepping the equipment and pick and choose what I need to bring and make sure it all fits in my bag.

Besides the photoshoots, I also have a tattoo session on the island this week so that means I have to wake up super early and catch the 0700 ferry to the island. So again that’s nerve wracking in its own way because I have to wake up early and ensure I get on the ferry in time or else I’ll be screwed for my appointment. Usually this means I have to wake up at around 0500. I hope the weather is good that day or else I shall be extremely upset.

All in all, I’m a hot mess right now. Just fussing over things that don’t really need fussing over. The government has shafted me yet again and I’m not happy with that. I just can’t figure out how they do things and how they don’t seem to have any set procedures in approaching an individual’s files. They’ve pushed things off on my file to the point that apparently although nothing has changed in terms of my banking statements, they’re requesting that I hand over new ones. And I’m like “Dafuq were y’all doing with my old ones?” Ah, whatever. I’ll just bear with it some more. So I suppose that ends my rant for this week. Next week should be a lot more quiet and back to my peaceful life.

Have a great WTF rest of the week! I’ll see you all next week at the same time!

I Am Tired

Hi all! Happy Hump-Day! I hope this post finds you well!

For those of you who haven’t caught on yet, I post every week on Wednesdays. I write up my posts on Mondays or earlier and then I schedule them to post on Wednesdays at 0800. So keep an eye out for my oh-so-very-interesting posts every Wednesday.

Recently I finished my course in Evidence-Based Project Management. But now I’m left in limbo and unsure of what courses to take. Might take some IT courses or web development courses or database courses. Who knows! With the advances in technology you can learn so much for free now on the Internet. It’s a brave new world and I’m in my room conquering it all. Anyway, in the interim while I decide on what course to take next, I’m spending my time procrastinating on my huge to-do list. Except I tire easily. I spend most of my morning hours replying to messages from friends around the world and checking emails (most of them are subscription emails to be honest). Then I play my video game and try to achieve all the daily goals as fast as I can. Right now, in the game, I’m focusing on leveling my heroes so that they’re all at the same level. Kind of stuck in limbo at the moment. Because there are so many heroes I need to level up and level up their skills, but I lack the resources such as experience potions, so it’s a little frustrating. I end up having to figure out the prioritization of each team or hero to level up based on the amount of resources I have. Then there’s the spreadsheet that I created to help me keep track of the stats and everything for each team. I update this periodically so that I can get a quick glance at how my teams are in terms of might/power and whether or not I should move different heroes around to different teams to make them more effective. By the time I’m done all this texting, emailing, and gaming stuff, it’s about lunch time and so I make a protein fruit smoothie and down that and then I get really tired and I’m out of juice to function anymore. Sometimes I just give in and take a nap, other times I power through it and continue with doing stuff off my to-do list. So far, since my last deep depressive phase, I’ve been riding a kiddie rollercoaster. There are minor ups and minor downs, but the constant is that I get tired around the same time every day and I can’t seem to do much about it. I know for a guy with not a whole lot on his plate I shouldn’t be complaining about being tired and in all and honesty, I don’t even know where the tiredness comes from, but around the same time every day I can feel my energy and productivity levels start to drop and I get really frustrated with that. It’s rather a silly conundrum. Anyway, I’ll think more on this subject and try and figure out a root cause of the problem. I shan’t bother you with more of my drivel.

Have a great WTF rest of the week everyone!

Just Another Day

Hi all! Happy Hump-Day!

I hope this finds you all well. I do apologize for the late post. Usually, I write my posts on Mondays and schedule them to post on Wednesdays. However, I wasn’t really up for it on Monday and yesterday I had some errands to run so I never got around to writing up a post.

I recently managed to get a pen pal, however, since I’ve never had a pen pal before I struggled a lot with composing something. However, I hope it’s enough to start a conversation. Also I do hope my chicken scratches are legible enough. I did however find paper that works very well with the fountain pen I write with. It’s watercolor paper 140lb and it doesn’t feather and retains the sharpness of the pen’s writing. That’s a great thing. Anyway, if anyone has any tips on writing to a pen pal please feel free to share your thoughts and ideas!

I also got in touch with a friend yesterday, and we had an informal meeting of sorts and we talked about potential gigs that I could work. So that’s another great thing. Also, the CV shaft on the Civic has been fixed so now I have my Smart back to drive around. Yet another great thing.

One last thing, I finally finished my Evidence-Based Project Management course with a 92%. Another great thing. The course was full of grammatical errors, and spelling mistakes. But in the past few weeks, I finally worked up the courage to finish it all in one go. At first I was really depressed and couldn’t bring myself to finishing the course. As well, it was extremely demoralizing and unencouraging to continue on given the amount of errors in the learning text. But as mentioned earlier, this past few weeks I’ve overcome the lack of motivation and just powered through it all.

I’ve got a list of things I need to do written down in my notebook and I plan on slowly chipping away at them. More will be added to the list as time goes on, but it will force me to prioritize things, change, and be adaptable and flexible.

Anyway, that’s four great things that’s happened to me in the past few weeks! I am grateful!

That’s it for now!

Have a great WTF rest of the week!

The Game of Infinite Wonders

Hi all! Happy Hump-Day! I hope all has been going well for you hardworking folks out there.

I recently started teaching my parents how to play the board game 7 Wonders. And frankly it has turned into a game of infinite wonders. Up until the very end of the game my dad was still confused about the cards and what they did and thought the cards’ requirements were production and didn’t pay attention to a word I said about duplicate cards. And he beat me because he unknowingly took my science card that I desperately needed to complete my science pile. He just took cards he could play and ended up winning second place. My sister on the other hand went all out warfare on my mom and I so I was so choked, but in her defense she played her game correctly, but I did manage to stop her from getting the guild card that gives points for your neighbors’ -1 victory points.

It’s such a frustrating time for me whenever I have to explain the rules of the game to my parents. I just kind of expect them to know immediately and intuitively what each specific portion of the card does or I’ll explain it once and expect them to understand right away. I am not a patient person. I don’t like repeating myself. But I suppose it’s a learning hurdle for them and myself. They’re not young and their minds aren’t geared towards board games and they haven’t been exposed to enough board games to intuitively understand things. And I have to work on my patience in teaching people things. Admittedly when I teach people things, I’m all over the place and I don’t really have a set curriculum for each game and how it should be taught. I just kind of go with whatever pops up into my mind. So I’ll explain the barebones basics and just jump right into the game and no one really knows what’s going on. Take for instance my dad, for all three Ages, he had no clue how to play his cards and kept thinking the cost to play the cards added to his resource production. And he had no idea how the resource production worked. He still had his mind set on Terraforming Mars, which is another game we played previously in another week. So he was under the impression he could stockpile resources. But you know what? Surprisingly he came in second place so not bad. So next time I’ll re-explain the rules so everyone knows what’s going on. As well, I’ve just re-read the rules and turns out we’ve been playing it somewhat incorrectly, I think in theory it all evens out, but in reality I also think it might change how the game is played, so we’ll see. I want to introduce them to new games so that it makes them strategize and use their brains and exercise their ability to keep their minds sharp.

Anyway, what was supposed to be a game of 7 Wonders turned into a game of infinite wonders in that I had no clue how to explain rules and the players were all confused as well and had no clue what they were doing. So definitely an eye-opener for me in how I have to be more patient and change my way/style of teaching that caters to each individual person, because they might still be stuck in the previous game.

Have a great WTF rest of the week!

Happy Frabjous Born Day!

Hi all! Happy Hump-Day!

It’s that time of the year again when my born day comes and goes. And I’d like to reflect on how it went. Events that led to the special day were the Sacrament of Reconciliation, which I had not done for a while, then my pastor lent me an audiobook after hearing my confession. The audiobook was called The Dream Manager by Matthew Kelly. I don’t have the patience to sit down and read books nowadays. I know it’s something others enjoy but I prefer to listen to it as I do something else, whether it be typing this blog post or sitting on the porcelain throne. So, after he lent it to me, he told me I had until Friday (Good Friday) to return it. So, I immediately jumped at the chance to listen to the audiobook. It took me a little more than 3 hours to listen to the whole book and it’s an amazing story. I wish I had dream manager to help me with my dreams or lack thereof. To help me come up with something that I can aim towards and work towards and fulfill it. Because right now I’m honestly just in limbo. Floating around, picking up random gigs when and where I can, studying random courses, and trying my best not to spend money, that’s about it. Just trying to stay afloat. Seems like I’m always against the currents in my boat with no paddles. I’m not even sure how that works. Apparently, my hands acting as paddles helps a bit and I gain ground bit by bit. Anyway, after the whole audiobook thing, I had a small celebration with just a couple of friends and that was about it. Drank a bit and then went out catching Pokémon and doing a raid. Doesn’t take much to please me. Fine company, alcohol, and some gaming. There’s not much else to say. Happy Easter?

At the moment I’m really confused as to whether that beast lurking around the corner is really there or not. I had a feeling last week it was and then this week seemed to start off with renewed vigor but still not much is getting done. Sometimes I look back and I feel like despite my vigor, I’ve gone backwards several steps. Which is an annoying feeling. I don’t like how this rocking back and forth and sitting on the fence feeling feels. Not knowing which way and when I’ll tip over to one side or the other. It’s anxiety provoking for me and stress inducing. Overall, just feeling in a very blah mood. I think we all know that feeling or have experienced it at one time or another.

Anyway, have a great WTF rest of the week!

The Dark Days Are Coming

Just lurking around the corner is a beast that moans and groans, slithers and hisses. Insidiously it creeps up on me and wraps me around its cold and familiar embrace. It whispers in my ears, thoughts and doubts. It pulls me deeper and deeper into its lair and soon the ever dim light vanishes from sight. In complete isolation and with no GPS marker, I am unable to tell people where I am. Without a signal within the lair, I cannot reach out for help. Try as hard as I might, reaching out and grasping at the nothingness that surrounds me. The sinister beast feeds off my fear, my grief, my despair, and my complete loneliness. To make things worse, over the years I have built up layers and layers of walls, each more sophisticated than the previous one making it nigh impossible for others to reach me.

This is the paradoxical cycle that happens time and again. I fall into a pit and my cloak of invisibility and cone of silence are on me and I can scream and shout for help all I want, but no one will hear or see me through my layers of walls. Only time will tell how long the beast will feed on me for before letting me go back to my manic life. The whisperings of the beast resonate particularly loud in its chamber. The visions and sounds of repeated failures, one after another, are replayed before me. The few great successes I’ve accomplished in my life are washed away and overcome by the splendor of my failures. I am a failure in so many ways imaginable. Is there no salvation from all of it? Is there no redemption from it all? Often times I am curled up in bed wondering what my next move will be, but thunderous, resounding and imperative “No, you cannot!” is simply too overwhelming to fight against. With what little energy I have, what little courage and motivation in me is left, I whisper quietly to myself, “Fuck that bastard.”

And so ends another manic phase, as I begin to spiral down the rabbit hole once more.

Have a great rest of a WTF week!