Hi all! Happy Hump Day! I hope you are all well!
So what has transpired in the week since my last post? Well lots of things, obviously. I’ve managed to clean up the major working area of the desktop as well as reorganize power bars and implement a rudimentary (DIY) solution to all the cables that will be routed around the computer once I move it back into the room. I’ve made accommodations to move the safe to a better location. I also have other big plan to clean up areas of the house but for now let’s just focus on my room. Monday I went through piles of paperwork and binders full of educational material. Tuesday I sorted out my camera gear and found a place to put the ones I rarely use to a safe location. And finally today, I will have cleared a path to move the safe to the new location. All will be well. But I mustn’t let up and slack off, there is still a lot to do! Once I get access to the closet there’ll be another huge project to tackle, one that I am not looking forward to tackling. But it’s all been broken down piece by piece in manageable chunks so that I can get everything done correctly. I do not want to screw things up. Everything has to be perfect, if the day is not right, I’ll postpone it. If I feel that I’ve had enough for the day and need to break from the cleaning and leave it for another day, so be it.
This brings to mind how the progression of the pathology of my OCD/OCPD has come along through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). In the past, I would stress and worry and have panic attacks over tasks not being done by or before a deadline. Now through awareness of oneself and through CBT, I have been able to curb those stressors and anxiety provoking scenarios. Now, this is not to say that I don’t have my moments of frustrations and freak-outs. But they seem, to me anyway, somewhat controlled and I can handle and adapt to situations better. However, it is also not to be said that I do not honor deadlines. If say, I am working with a client and the client needs my photos filtered and edited within a day’s time and I have thousands of photos, I’ll burn the midnight candle and get it done and delivered the next day. Of course, this is an extreme example. But I now realize the difference between hard and soft deadlines. Prior to this, it was all or nothing. Either it was a deadline that needed to be met or all hope was lost and the die is cast, I am doomed. But now I can relax a bit and enjoy the work I do. I don’t mind the deadlines so much. Scheduled appointments I’ll still try to show up early and work within the timeframe so as to not be a nuisance to others and show respect to them.
Anyway, just starting by tracking my thought processes either on paper or mentally keeping track has helped a lot in terms of seeing what I can do to adjust the parameters in terms of how I react to situations or things not being done or criteria not being met. It’s all still a work in progress and I have a long way to go. Just the other day I threw a fit when my meds were not prepared and ready on time and placed on the kitchen countertop. But what you have to understand is that those medications weren’t time critical, I could have waited till the next morning to have them ready for me to take. I just prefer that they’re in a vial ready for me to take up to my room and have easy and immediate access to them when I wake up in the morning. So you see how it’s still a work in progress? I’m still struggling to control those rageful moments when something isn’t done correctly according to the high standards I’ve set for myself and others. And in my condition, I rely heavily upon the help of others for support; it’s a huge crutch for me. I’d like to be free of that crutch and I’m aiming for it but for the time being it’s all I’ve got. Although there are certain things that I can do without others, most things I rely on others and although I may not always show it, I am truly grateful for all the help that I’ve received from my support systems. Sometimes it takes me several days to realize what someone has done for me and I thank them for it. If it’s an obvious one I’ll thank them immediately.
So just to conclude, the organization continues and I am still trying to get access to my closet which will then open up another whole new dungeon to explore.
See you all! And have a happy WTF rest of the week!