Just lurking around the corner is a beast that moans and groans, slithers and hisses. Insidiously it creeps up on me and wraps me around its cold and familiar embrace. It whispers in my ears, thoughts and doubts. It pulls me deeper and deeper into its lair and soon the ever dim light vanishes from sight. In complete isolation and with no GPS marker, I am unable to tell people where I am. Without a signal within the lair, I cannot reach out for help. Try as hard as I might, reaching out and grasping at the nothingness that surrounds me. The sinister beast feeds off my fear, my grief, my despair, and my complete loneliness. To make things worse, over the years I have built up layers and layers of walls, each more sophisticated than the previous one making it nigh impossible for others to reach me.
This is the paradoxical cycle that happens time and again. I fall into a pit and my cloak of invisibility and cone of silence are on me and I can scream and shout for help all I want, but no one will hear or see me through my layers of walls. Only time will tell how long the beast will feed on me for before letting me go back to my manic life. The whisperings of the beast resonate particularly loud in its chamber. The visions and sounds of repeated failures, one after another, are replayed before me. The few great successes I’ve accomplished in my life are washed away and overcome by the splendor of my failures. I am a failure in so many ways imaginable. Is there no salvation from all of it? Is there no redemption from it all? Often times I am curled up in bed wondering what my next move will be, but thunderous, resounding and imperative “No, you cannot!” is simply too overwhelming to fight against. With what little energy I have, what little courage and motivation in me is left, I whisper quietly to myself, “Fuck that bastard.”
And so ends another manic phase, as I begin to spiral down the rabbit hole once more.
Have a great rest of a WTF week!