Confession Regurgitation

Hi all! Happy Wednesday!

To be honest I’m not the person with too many boundaries. Anything’s really up for talks. Ask and you shall receive sort of deal, whether or not I answer is my business. You’re free to ask anything your mind wants and desires. Knowledge is powah! I’m not sure when it started. Perhaps a mixture of bad influences and just a need to cope with things led me to drink to cope. Happiness is a fickle thing with me and I’m sure with a lot of people. I tend to dwell more on the past than the present. I ruminate a lot on past mistakes and end up sitting in a well of unhappiness. Alcohol does a fine job putting you out of your misery and getting you into another mess. Haha. I think that’s why I did it. The mess it put me in was less of a problem than the one I was in. It also somewhat helped with sleep. Very often I’d lay in bed ruminating and not get much sleep which I needed to get to work so I’d drink till something knocked me out. But the quality of sleep is obviously less favorable. After a while, I gave up and checked myself into the emergency and sought help. They got me hooked up with a psychiatrist and started me on medication that does a lot better job than alcohol. But still progress was slow. Frustration kicked in and I decided that if I checked myself out permanently then all would be well. I wouldn’t have to feel any more and deal with all the stupid shit my brain puts me through. Sadly my attempt failed. Twice I failed. I failed at failing in life…HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!

There’s something, a part of me that still holds on, hoping for a better world. I think that’s what screws up me up. I haven’t learnt to fully let go of my life. There’s that basic, primeval, primordial instinct that grasps on to the barest of threads and refuses to let go. But I’m telling you third time’s the charm. I’ll get this damn thing working.

As always your thoughts and comments are welcomed below! Have a good hump day!