Hi all! Happy Monday!
Enough with the doom and gloom. I find my sleeping medications make me most wondrously happy after I’ve taken them. I shall have to make and take special note of that and use it to my advantage when I feel most down and out. Much of the weekend was spent wallowing in my bed. Self-pity and self-hate and all that jazz. But this week I feel, prematurely, that I shall endeavor to be productive and learn to love myself. Though now that I think on this premature thought, it is most silly and stupid. It’ll never work. You see this is the brain thought and pattern that my therapists are trying to break and shatter. It is quite clear that they have no succeeded yet in breaking me. My mind remains intact and quite negative I should say. They have me trying to break my catastrophization of events and negative thinking. Sometimes for small things it works but for big things, it overwhelms me and I’m back at square one with no resources at all. I hate it but at the same time I don’t want to get rid of it. It’s me, it’s who I am. To lose it would be to lose my identity.
Yesterday my friend had some issues and difficulties with some information requiring sorting, I gladly volunteered my time. For some reason working with spreadsheets brightens up my day. When another friend asked me what I was doing and I told him, he asked me why I like spreadsheets so much. I think I like them so much is simply because they’re simple. Things go in a certain place in a certain location. Things are orderly and beautiful. They’re clean cut and belong somewhere. Deep down I think there’s some sage message but I don’t have that message. You’ll have to ask the guru of the mountains, he knows everything. After I was done the spreadsheet, I instantly felt drained again. The spreadsheet gave me life, it invigorated me. It was something I enjoyed doing and after I was done the life left me.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your week! And as always your thoughts and comments are welcomed below!