Vomit-machine Factor

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Hi all! Happy Wednesday!

It’s been a week or so since my last little accident-on-purpose incident and I’m still feeling queasy thinking back about it. My stomach still flips out when I think about what I did. I still want to vomit. These past few days have been really trying. I just lie around and feel pathetic but when I want to do something about it there’s no energy. There’s no energy to start anything. I’ve been in bed for two days just lying there thinking and staring at the ceiling. Every time my brain takes me back to the past week I want to vomit. I’m there all over again and reliving it is horrible. It sucks the life out of me and sometimes I wish it would actually just kill me instead. Living in this limbo is such pain and torture. I feel so heavy and fat, like a huge cumbersome giant, when I move around. It’s so much easier to just sleep. If only sleep came that easily. Sleep eludes me. I have to take a bajillion different pills just to sleep. But at least the sleep is good. The dreams I see and live are amazing. They’re beyond words and reality. I love them and I wish I could stay in them forever. Of course then, my medical team would think I’m suicidal again and put me back in the hospital. But secretly I still am, I just don’t’ tell them. There’s always that small itch once in a while. Not a particularly strong one but an itch nonetheless and I entertain the thought for a while enough to satisfy the need then it goes away as quietly as it came.

I signed up for this pottery class. Today was my first day and I made something. I’m not sure what it was but I made something. I looks like a pencil holder so let’s just go with that assumption.  I’m so useless I don’t even know what I made. There was also this girl who was really pretty but then I got so tongue tied I didn’t know how to respond when she said hello. Ugh.

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